Story Of The Sperm

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the
instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a
straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of
the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and
say, 'I'm a Sperm.'
She will answer, 'I'm the Egg.' From that moment on you will work together
to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively.
The instructor impressed upon the sperm that he had
to swim hard and reach the egg first, otherwise it would all be pointless.
"You really have to swim for it!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He
wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim
behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to
the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm
but he still swims his heart out, tail fin aching, just to reach the egg
first.
At last he approaches the red, sticky ball, still way ahead of all the
other sperm. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and
says "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

Bill and Bob

Bill walks into a bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar
counter with a great big smile on his face. Bill says "Bob, what are
you so happy for?" "Well Bill, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out
waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me...
tits out to here, Bill, tits out to here! She says 'Can I have a ride
in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took
her way out, Bill. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw
or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bill, she couldn't swim!!" The next day
Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar
counter with a bigger smile on his face. Bill says "What are you so
happy about today Bob?" "Well Bill... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I
was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came
up to me... tits out to here, Bill, tits out to here! She said 'Can I
have a ride in your boat?' 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I
took her way out, Bill, way out much further than the last one. I
turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't
swim!!, Bill, she couldn't swim!!!!" A couple days pass and Bill walks
into the bar and sees Bob down there cryin over a beer. Bill says
"Bob, what are you so sad for?" "Well Bill, I gotta tell ya....
Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most
desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bill, tits
WAY out to here. She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' 'Sure you
can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill, way WAY
out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and
looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She pulled
down her pants.... she had a dick, Bill !!! She had a great BIG
dick!!! And Bill, I CAN'T SWIM,... I CAN'T SWIM !!!"

I The Penis

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labor
* I work at great depths
* I work head first
* I do not get weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from Management:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe safety measures, such as wearing the correct
protective outfits
* You don't wait till pension age before retiring
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
the day's work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags

Ain't easy being a DICK

I'VE GOT A HEAD I CAN'T THINK WITH...

...AN EYE CAN'T SEE OUT OF...

...I HAVE TO HUNG AROUND WITH TWO NUTS ALL THE TIME...

...MY CLOSEST NEIGHBOR IS A REAL ASSHOLE...

...MY BEST FRIEND IS A PUSSY...

AND EVERY TIME I GET EXCITED I THROW UP!

ANTI-SEXISM

Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your check.
Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
and finally...
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your
house and car with them...

Is Forrest Gump A Filipino?

Top 10 Reasons Forrest Gump Would say if he's a Filipino

10. My name is Porrest, Porrest Goomp
9. Inay always said that life is like a balikbayan box
8. Lieutenant Dan! Putang ina mo!
7. Lieutenant Dan! Gusto mo ba ang sorbetes?
6. Me and Jenny went together like champorado and isda
5. Mr. President, iihi ako. Na saan ang “comfort room?”
4. My best friend Bubba knew everything there was to know about bagoong. “There’s bagoong with rice, bagoong with lemon juice, fried bagoong, bagoong at puto, etc.”
3. Those look like comfortable shoes. Sa Payless ba?
2. He invested my money in a prrooot company
1. Tanga is as tanga does.

question and answer

Q. Why did God create woman?
A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.
Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Q. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A. Nothing, she's been told twice already.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag
at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her!
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in
the end you lose your house.
Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

I went to a party mom...

I went to a party, Mom
and remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom
so I had a Sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself, Mom
the way you said I would,
that I didn't drink and drive, Mom
though some friends said I should.
I made a healthy choice, Mom
and your advice to me was right
as the party finally ended, Mom
and the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car, Mom
sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming, Mom
something I expected least.
Now I'm lying on the pavement, Mom
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk," Mom,
His voice seems far away.
My own blood's all around me, Mom
as I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say, Mom
This girl is going to die."
I'm sure the guy had no idea, Mom
while he was flying high,
because he chose to drink and drive, Mom
now I would have to die.
So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me, Mom
like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
tell daddy to be brave,
and when I go to heaven, Mom
put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have taught him, Mom
that its wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had, Mom
I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom
I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments, Mom
and I'm so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom,
as I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say I love you, Mom
So I love you and good-bye.

COMPUTERS!

Have you ever noticed how computers in movies differ from real ones?
Here goes:
* Word processors never display a cursor.
* You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
* All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
* High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such
governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
* Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells
that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
* Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply
typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
* Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS."
* Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen
changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it
doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate
the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
* People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
* A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before
intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
* If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also
disappears from the screen.
* Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects
itself onto his/her face.

Happy Fuckin' New Year

Happy New Year Everyone.

New Year's Resolution:
1) Update UUS
2) More pr0ns updates
3) Visiting my family
4) Study weird things
5) Travel to Surigao

Hahahaha.. this gonna be a cool year to all lamers.. DAWG!

How Sad, the Year Just Passed

How sad, the year just passed! A year the pastArose like smoke from deep beneath the rubble,Pouring up through fissures in the heart,Perhaps our own as much as those of others.Year of hatred writhing in raw pain,Near mad with certainty arrayed in faith,Each aggrieved alight with righteous anger,Whirlwinds swirling through their swathes of rage.Yet let us in the new year look for justice,Ever the rock on which to live in peace,Administered with love for every soul,Regarding every evil as our own.